don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
