Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
