piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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