Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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