I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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