I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
