the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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