just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
