i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
