my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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