My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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