Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
