If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
