Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
