I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
