carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
