I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
