Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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