He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
