using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So much rum. So many feels.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
