I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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