Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
