you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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