You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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