You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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