Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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