So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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