thus making me awesome and them whores
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
