God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
