I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
