I am spending my child support on dildos
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
