Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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