The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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