Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
