I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
