woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
