i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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