He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
