last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
