girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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