Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
