I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
