she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
