A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
