I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
