just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
