I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
