Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
