I didn't shave. On purpose
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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