If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
