Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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